Wampires…

Go get ’em Abe

The Perfessor

The price of Twilight

Need we say more?

The Perfessor

From the Shadow of the 14th Row: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1

Yes I know that I’m in the minority here, and I understand that many of the folks who read (and/or host) this blog are Twilighters, but I personally can’t stand the series. I believe that it is shallow, vapid, and plays hob with the legends of both vampires and Werewolves. I haven’t read the books, but the films are just badly done and the actors (though they are talented in their own right) deliver their lines wooden and empty. Plus I believe that the film (and book) give impossible and bad role models for young girls (and their cougar moms).

Well, anyway, here’s my review of this latest travesty:

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1: Rated “PG-13” (120 Minutes)

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Taylor Lautner

Directed by: Bill Condon

Yes, it is here. The worldwide phenomenon that is Twilight with the first half of the next chapter, Breaking Dawn – the marriage of the human teen, Bella (Stewart) and the ageless, undead, immortal vampire, Edward (Pattinson). Yep, teen girls, and their cougar moms are all breaking out in cold sweats and fidgeting in their seats as they watch the twin hotties pale-skinned Edward and his rival for Bella’s affections, Jacob (Lautner), the hard-bodied werewolf. If we are to believe all the hype, these three kids are the be-all, and end-all of romance, (and lust) for the world today.

The film starts out with invitations for the wedding of the century going out to all the interested parties. Bella’s mom is excited, her Dad is pensive and worried, and Jacob is consumed with rage. Still the wedding commences with everyone sharing their personal views, and getting excited for their own personal piece of it. Well, come the big day itself, some of Edward’s relatives are upset that he has invited werewolves, and some of Bella’s human friends are totally clueless that they are in the midst of creatures of fable that – were this a traditional story of vampires and werewolves – would just as soon rend them limb from limb.

Still, Jacob and Edward reach a sort of détente until Jacob realizes that Bella intends to stay human during the course of their honeymoon, at which point he again reverts to his fallback sexy smoldering rage persona, morphs into wolf form, and rushes off into the woods again. Unable to deal with his problems, Bella and Edward head off to their honeymoon retreat – a private island, off the coast of Rio de Janeiro where they frolic in the sand, sun, and moonlight. Bella is as persistent as always and insists that she and Edward actually consummate their relationship, which (naturally enough) results in her pregnancy. Then, because we don’t have time to waste (the film is only two hours long) Bella comes to full term in about 20 minutes.

As can be expected, this pregnancy and impending offspring frighten everyone (the vampire coven, the wolf pack, the audience, anyone with a working brain), everyone that is except for Bella, who can “handle it” (famous last words if ever they were spoken). Now, this demon child means a resumption of the age-old war between the werewolves and the vampires (no this isn’t dark, murky, confusing Underworld, but even this would be an improvement to what we are presented with in this film). So the wolves and the Cullen clan square off as Bella goes into labor and, well either you read the book and already know what happens, or are going to see the film and find out. In either case have fun.

Personally, we still don’t see the draw of this film – sure it is a goofy love story that is no different on many levels than most other silly love stories that seem to attract starry-eyed females and convince them that “true love,” “soul mates,” and destiny actually exist. Given that real life clearly demonstrates that these things (as are vampires and werewolves) are things of myth and legend, it is no wonder that people are so willing to believe in them; which at least partially explains the powerful draw of these characters.

Unfortunately, they are all so two-dimensional and pre-fab plastic, they completely disassemble upon close inspection. Still, since no one wants to look behind the drawn curtain to learn that the emperor has no clothes, so we all choose to believe in this nonsense. We have been told that we are a cynic, and that this film is wonderful only we don’t see it. This is a cardboard house that simply propagates self-destructive delusions in our populace. After the second film, our daughter told us that she didn’t like the movies because they try to get young girls to believe in the perfectness of Edward and/or Jacob, and neither of them actually exist, which will only serve to ultimately crush their spirit.

Yep, these films are more than just another love story it is a soul-crushing experience, and there are not only better love stories out there, but there are better vampire and werewolf films out there as well. Be advised, don’t see this film, and watch The Walking Dead on AMC on Sunday nights. You won’t find any werewolves or vampires in it, but you will experience a higher level of writing as well as a visceral experience that will stay with you long afterwards.

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The Perfessor

Putting the bite on you

Well, we know that Twilight: Breaking Wind…er Dawn is going to be opening up soon, but there is still no excuse for this behavior…

On Monday evening, an unidentified woman allegedly walked into a Denver convenience store, groped a male customer and bit him on the neck, then allegedly bit the clerk on the neck after asking for a hug. Police consider her armed to the teeth … with teeth!

Yeah, that’s what we said:
Video and the rest of the story after the Jump Continue reading Putting the bite on you

And now, for something completely different!

Just in case we hadn’t said it before…

The Perfessor

Muslim Vampires!

As you know the only thing we love (nearly) as much as coffee around here are Werewülves Vampyres, and Xombies (Oh my!), so last night while watching Stephen Colbert, we learned of a new threat to our lives…that’s right, Muslim Vampires!

A few weeks ago, residents of Sidney, New York, demanded that Muslims dig up and move the bodies of their dead relatives from a private Muslim cemetery. And last night, Stephen Colbert came out in support of the effort: “How dare those Muslims build a grave so close to… ground?”

He continued that “usually when you die, your threat level decreases significantly,” but based on Sidney’s actions, Colbert had no choice but to reach the “terrifying conclusion” that there is something new to be afraid of: “Muslim vampires.”

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Terror a New One
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive

Whatever should we worry about next?

The Perfessor