Always leave them wanting more…

So, with all of the negative press that the TSA has been getting these days, we can only suppose that a little laughter can’t hurt.

Video after Jump. Continue reading Always leave them wanting more…

Santa and the TSA

And now, we have the joyous holiday event of Santa getting felt up by airport security –

Santa the Terrorist

Twas the night before Christmas, and at the airport,
The whole farkin’ place was locked down like a fort.
Security teams patrolled with care,
to make sure no terrorists could take to the air.

The passengers were herded like sheep into lines,
While visions of strip searches puckered their behinds.
And some guy named Mohammed with a hat like a towel
was receiving a two-fingered search of his bowel.

When from front of the line there arose such a clatter,
and nobody much cared just what was the matter.
Some fat guy in red was being a prick
cause a blue-suited retard had grabbed at his dick.

The glow from the new backscatter machines
gave an eerie blue hue to the holiday scene.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a team of security, herding eight deer.

The guards had them running, so nervous and quick,
cause the guards had some tasers, and they knew some tricks.
They asked the fat man, “do these belong to you?
We found them with a sleigh in lot A-22.”

The red-suited fat man tried to explain,
he was getting old and the cold gave him pains,
so he decided to try and get done quick,
by using a plane for part of his trip.

He told the guards that he traveled the world,
giving gifts to all of the good boys and girls.
The guard said, “you sound like a commie, old man!
Do you even give presents to kids in Iran?

“Why of course I do,” said the jolly old elf,
and laughed at the guard in spite of himself.
“Aiding terrorists is a serious crime” said the guard,
and he grabbed the old elf, and pushed him down hard.

The guard said not a word, but went straight to his work,
handcuffed the old elf, then pulled him up with a jerk.
He said to his fellows, “we’ve foiled his ploy,
now take the deer to the pound, and have them destroyed.”

The guard dragged ol’ Saint Nick to a room in the back,
and I never did hear about him again after that.
But I heard the guard yell, as he dragged Santa away:
“Fark your rights, you old fart, this is the U.S.A.”

-Tip of the hat to some Canned Tomales
Stolen from a message board

Let the weirdness begin…

OK, we’ve all heard the brouhaha resulting over the TSA utilizing full body scanners and “invasive” full body pat-downs, well, it was only a matter of time before this was going to happen…

A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent. Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually assaulting a Federal agent.

Apparently he’s being held on “Assault with a studly weapon”

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Next up is the sort of story that you usually read in one of those supermarket tabloids…

A 38 year old female mortuary worker is being held on $250,000 bond after becoming pregnant by one of her clients-a dead man. The alleged crime took place at the Mourning Glory Mortuary just outside of Lexington, Missouri. Police have charged Felicity Marmaduke with desecration of the dead and necrophilia

I guess his tool was on a “Dead Man Switch”

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This one is just for fun…

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If you are going to walk through a scanner and try to make a point, well, we recommend doing it this way.

Of course, you have to look like her to do this though…

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Sure we could make this stuff, but reality is way weirder.

The Perfessor

Why fly?

Eliana Sutherland, pictured here at Disneyland, claimed she was subjected to additional security screening because of the size of her breasts.
OK, kids, we’ve all heard of the new invasive pat-downs being done by the TSA on folks who are traveling by air. Well, here is a new one. Apparently a well-endowed woman now claims, in a story posted in The Daily Mail, that she was pulled out of line by a pair of male TSA agents for an additional pat-down due solely to the size of her breasts.

Eliana Sutherland was flying from Orlando International Airport and said she felt violated by security workers.

It was the latest revelation to hit the Transportation Security Administration which imposed the checks and whose officers have been on the receiving end of a series of allegations.

Sutherland’s claims come on the heals of thousands of other American who have become outraged over the institution of new, tighter airport security measures, that include full body scans and hands-on pat-downs.

‘It was pretty obvious. One of the guys that was staring me up and down was the one who pulled me over,’ she said. ‘Not a comfortable feeling.’

Many frustrated passengers are talking about a boycott of the airlines, However, reports from airports across the U.S. indicated that passengers had chosen not to take part in the planned protests.

The Perfessor

Fashion website Cargo Collective has hit on an innovative method for Americans to make their feelings known about the TSA security checks - by emblazoning it on their underwear. Passengers can buy boxer shorts, bras and pants suggesting airport staff brush up on the 4th Amendment before subjecting passengers to pat-downs and body scans. The site even offers children's polo shirts branded with the words 'READ THE 4TH AMENDMENT PERVERTS' for parents fearful of their child's privacy being breached.

Time for your feel-up

By now you have probably heard about all of the hub-bub regarding the TSA protocols that require everyone to be felt up…er, patted down (including men’s and women’s groins and buttox, and women’s breasts. Yes, this includes children as well. While, yes, we all want to have our air travel be safe, it seems to us that this method is disturbingly flawed on so many levels that it is hard to even take it seriously.

Lord knows that humorist Dave Barry was recently fondled, er, groped, um, patted down and said the following

Mr. BARRY: Well, they take you in this little room. And it’s an unpleasant little room. The man is putting on the blue gloves. He’s telling me how he’s going to touch me. And he makes a big point about when he’s going to be using the front of his hand, and when he’s going to be using the back of his hand.

And I’m thinking, I don’t really care. Like, it’s not like if I’m going to have a guy touching me, I’m going to look down and go, oh, it’s okay; it’s the back of his hand – you know what I mean?

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. BARRY: And then while I was in there, the other guy with the boarding pass came in. And he says, oh, I’m a – you’re Dave Barry. I’m a big fan. And so I had this kind of surreal conversation with one guy telling me what a big fan he is, how much, you know, he likes my – and the other guy is groping me.

Needless to say, everyone’s molesting grope isn’t nearly as humorous. Witness the following Video (after the jump).

Continue reading Time for your feel-up