Putting the bite on you

Well, we know that Twilight: Breaking Wind…er Dawn is going to be opening up soon, but there is still no excuse for this behavior…

On Monday evening, an unidentified woman allegedly walked into a Denver convenience store, groped a male customer and bit him on the neck, then allegedly bit the clerk on the neck after asking for a hug. Police consider her armed to the teeth … with teeth!

Yeah, that’s what we said:
Video and the rest of the story after the Jump Continue reading Putting the bite on you

All Texas Conservatives are equal (so long as they are Christians)

There is apparently a rumor of sorts going around that the U.S. Constitution guarantees us freedom of religion, and (at the very least) historical precedence maintains that there is a separation of church and state, so, assuming both of these core beliefs, why are Conservative Christian Texas legislators attempting to oust a Conservative Jewish legislator who happens to be the speaker of the State House?

Nope, we don’t know why either (except that they are perhaps lying hypocritical bastards), Still, let’s go to our pals at The Daily Show to find out more.

Video after jump Continue reading All Texas Conservatives are equal (so long as they are Christians)

Everything’s big in Texas

Even, apparently, stupidity. Yep you heard that right (no offense to our buddy, Walt), but they seem to have big brass ones down there when it comes to retconning history. Yeah, you recall how we talked about how the Texas School Board custom-orders history to fill its bill of how history should have been (in order to teach our impressionable students). Well, here is some of the backlash.

Hey, kids! Here’s something I bet you didn’t know: Black people? Back in 1800 or whenever? They liked being slaves. True! Many savvy, industrious Negroes actually volunteered for that fine, desirable position. It was a completely balanced, fair, hugely successful system, until those damn liberals came along and ruined everything. I know, right? What a shame.

Do you know what else? America was wholly victorious in Vietnam. It’s a fact! Kicked some serious enemy butt! Mission accomplished! Sure it was a little bumpy for awhile, but President Nixon, that great and wronged American hero, put us on the righteous path in the end, wrapped that sucker up beautifully and made America the noble Superman to the world. Hey, it’s the truth! You can look it up in your history textbook!

Never doubt America’s irrefutable greatness, kids. If you do, you could wind up in Gitmo…or worse.

The Perfessor

Rick Perry wins governor primary

The Republican voters have really went to school over the governor’s race in the Republican primary and edumacated themselves as to the real issues

Where the Head Of The Class sits closer to the fridge

In our next lesson, we will learn which type of dinosaur Jesus rode...

Car Chase: Texas Style

Fresh out of Texas, we had news another crazy car chase (hey, is that you again Walt?). Fortunately, we have the video of the car chase in Houston for you to check out.

According to the press, Houston officers attempted to make a traffic stop on a white Dodge Caravan. The driver then decided to throw the car in reverse and take off. He was described as a male in his 20s. Well, the fellow apparently led the Houston authorities on a car chase that lasted for about an hour, and covered a total of 25 miles through 2 counties before it came to an end near the Greenspoint mall.

You know, I always wondered why (on TV) folks running away run into garages, and then head to the top floor, I mean, really, where do they think they are going to go when they get to the top?

The Perfessor

One of the signs of the oncoming apocalypse!

No, I’m not kidding. We all know that everything is bigger in Texas, and that in the middle of Texas is X er, oil. As a matter of face, Our Good buddy, Walt (when he bothers to show up) is something of an oil man himself these days (When good bloggers go bad and pillage our mother the Earth). As a matter of fact, there is a saying (that I just made up) that says, scratch a Texan and you’ll find an oilman.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, not to Texas, where they are (apparently) trading in their HummVees for electric cars.

You Know Gas Prices Are High When Texans Start Driving Golf Carts Low-Speed Electric Vehicles Catch On;


July 31, 2008

HOUSTON — In the garage where chiropractor Rick Peters once parked his Dodge pickup, two tiny electric cars now sit back-to-back next to his wife’s small SUV.

For trips to work, to run errands or visit friends, Dr. Peters, 43 years old, and his wife, Kris, hop into the munchkin-size cars while their old gas guzzlers gather dust. Admittedly, it’s cramped inside the miniautos, which move along city streets at just 25 miles per hour. But the Peterses are converts to their low-speed vehicles.

(Via the Wall Street Journal)

See what I mean? What hope is there for the rest of us now?

The Perfessor