And now, we have the joyous holiday event of Santa getting felt up by airport security –
Twas the night before Christmas, and at the airport,
The whole farkin’ place was locked down like a fort.
Security teams patrolled with care,
to make sure no terrorists could take to the air.
The passengers were herded like sheep into lines,
While visions of strip searches puckered their behinds.
And some guy named Mohammed with a hat like a towel
was receiving a two-fingered search of his bowel.
When from front of the line there arose such a clatter,
and nobody much cared just what was the matter.
Some fat guy in red was being a prick
cause a blue-suited retard had grabbed at his dick.
The glow from the new backscatter machines
gave an eerie blue hue to the holiday scene.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a team of security, herding eight deer.
The guards had them running, so nervous and quick,
cause the guards had some tasers, and they knew some tricks.
They asked the fat man, “do these belong to you?
We found them with a sleigh in lot A-22.”
The red-suited fat man tried to explain,
he was getting old and the cold gave him pains,
so he decided to try and get done quick,
by using a plane for part of his trip.
He told the guards that he traveled the world,
giving gifts to all of the good boys and girls.
The guard said, “you sound like a commie, old man!
Do you even give presents to kids in Iran?
“Why of course I do,” said the jolly old elf,
and laughed at the guard in spite of himself.
“Aiding terrorists is a serious crime” said the guard,
and he grabbed the old elf, and pushed him down hard.
The guard said not a word, but went straight to his work,
handcuffed the old elf, then pulled him up with a jerk.
He said to his fellows, “we’ve foiled his ploy,
now take the deer to the pound, and have them destroyed.”
The guard dragged ol’ Saint Nick to a room in the back,
and I never did hear about him again after that.
But I heard the guard yell, as he dragged Santa away:
“Fark your rights, you old fart, this is the U.S.A.”
-Tip of the hat to some Canned Tomales
Stolen from a message board