Okay, now that STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE has been cancelled, I think there’s a few things I’d like to get off my chest.
What I wanted to see in “STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE”
- Scott Bakula doing a very good impression of James T. Kirk on a relatively primative space going vessel.
- Showing off the early days and backstories hinted at by ST:TOS and other ST shows and movies.
- How the technology evolved from merely advanced to the cool stuff in the later ST shows and movies.
- Nothing about that pesky “Prime Directive”, especially when dealing with hot sexy alien babes.
What I got in the three-plus seasons in “Enterprise” was:
- No red shirts. Goddamn it, I want to see red shirts, and I want to see them dying! I was convinced that having red shirts around was a terrible and hackneyed cliche’ — until I saw the alternative.
- Yet another cold heartless sex kitten in a catsuit. The “barely supressed smoky lust” just kind of laid there, undiscovered. Here’s the thing. If you DO HAVE a space sex kitten whose libido is illogically suppressed through disease or other creative mismanagement, there just HAS to be a slutty one nearby showing up once in a while to make the sex kitten jealous as hell. I REFUSE to believe that the future of space travel will be without playful sex kittens.
- A forgettable captain. Dammit Jim, he’s dead! Capt. Archer’s dead! Wait, he’s not dead? Well, he may be breathing, Archer is dead on the screen.
–While I realize that noone can replace a captain with a ego the way William Shatner portrayed James T. Kirk, unfortunately Scott Bakula refused to show any spark of life whatsoever as Archer. I don’t blame Mr. Bakula for this as much as I blame the people who wrote his character. If YOU were in charge of the fleet, would YOU give a command to Archer? The safe, sane, sensitive choice? Of COURSE you would! Now, would I watch YOUR OWN show on TV? Of COURSE you wouldn’t! It would be boring as hell! In the mythology of Star Trek:TOS (the original series), we find that James Kirk got to where he was not by playing by the rules, but by bending the hell out of them! Now THERE’S an interesting thought! Bakula’s a much better actor than the part that has been given to him. I know, the creators of the show went with the “Safe Reliable Captain” and the character of Captain Archer fills the bill nicely. After all, you do want the ship home safely.
- Rogue Element Quotient = Zero. Every good adventure show on TV has one or more rogue elements in or near the starring role. While Archer is the safe choice for a captain, and perhaps the pilot would be the natural choice for “upstart pilot who can charm the ladies all night long and the next morning fly a shuttle through an asteroid storm blind drunk using just his feet,” I need to have some outlandish character somewhere near the front of the screen. Yes, I realize it’s a cliche’ of sorts. If I wanted safe and reliable, I’d turn on MTV.
- The shortage of Romulan Ale: too little, too late. What comes with a good Romulan ale? Why, Romulans, of course! This bit of interplay should have been front and center of the first season. But nooo! The creators had to wait until I was bored with time travel in order to come up with the evil Romulans. Listen, I don’t care about your Star Trek Klingons as bad guys… I want my Romulans! I want them fully developed, I want them back stabbing and I want them to corrupt any human they see, get it? I want them politically astute, and I want them to be very effective. And goddamn it, I want them organized! None of this, “Oh, here’s one bad apple that wants to sully the good name of the Romulan Empire by misusing his position to secretly making deals to amass his own private
island empire! No! I want a revolution on Romulus that spills out and threatens to disrupt their corner of the galaxy, taking the Vulcans with them! We got to see Archer become the repository of Vulcan religious knowledge, but Archer came away with nothing other than good feelings about saving the Vulcan mythos. That was it? No divine inspiration? No lingering hatred for the rivals of the Romulans, those that split off from the Vulcans over that very Vulcan religious issue? Maybe the creators are just now getting around to that… Well, too little, too late.
Frankly, I’m quite surprised to see that this show made it to four seasons. (Four entire seasons? Wow. If it was on the Fox Network, it would have gone about three successive Friday nights in March before it got pulled.)
What’s next for Star Trek
You mean, how could they screw up any worse?
It’s been suggested that the show/mythos be laid to rest.
Bollocks, I say! ( I always wanted to say that… Bollocks!!)
No, the next show should be about Star Trek: Space Pirate!
Listen, on every show of Star Trek I’ve ever seen, nobody talks about money. Like there’s no money in the future or something. I mean, I know the men in our military these days don’t get paid much, but in the future, apparently they don’t get paid at all. It’s like there’s some sort of reason that they’re happily serving in outer space for the pleasure of being zapped by space lasers. Screw that. I don’t know about you, but in MY future, there’s space treasure all over the place. The whole concept has been effectively fleshed out with FIREFLY, but that’s another franchise. Another space pirate (of sorts) was ‘Beka’ Valentine over on ANDROMEDA but she wasn’t a working pirate for very long. ‘Beka’ was there on the show to be the “rogue element” I chatted on earlier in this post.
No, I want a good Harry Mudd, only with more adventures and less hot robotic twin robots. (Did I say less hot robotic twins? No, I meant more twins, but not in that weird “We’ll take care of you, Harry” sort of way. Yes… More Hot Twins, please.
(Hot Twins!! Is this the first screen appearance of hot twin space babes? Harry Mudd had the concept of Hot Twins years before Hot Twins ever posed for Playboy Magazine!) … I digress —
Yes, Star Trek: Privateer is the title I saw recently, and that has stuck with me for some reason. This is the future of the franchise, I believe. You combine all the elements I want in a show:
- Rogue Captain/Pilot. I want someone jailed for insulting the local mayor’s wife, and I want our captain to break him out of jail. You can have our captain romance the jailor’s hot wife into showing us which barred window to yank out with our space chopper.
- Hot Alien babes and/or buff built wrestler dude characters
- Carrying out barely legal missions, sometimes sanctioned by the Federation/ProtoFederation
- NO TIME TRAVEL
- Broken Down Transporter Unit – make the damn thing unsafe as hell, please.
- Make the fuel for super Light Speed expensive, if you please. Cargo ships shouldn’t be fast.
- Banter. Please. I want conflict on the bridge where there’s snarky remarks flying through the air. There was a REASON for Bones to rile up at the inhumanity of the impassionate Spock.
Well, you get the idea. I realize that I’m describing portions of “FIREFLY”, but that can’t be helped. Perhaps I’ll post on that show another day. And if you haven’t purchased and seen the DVD collection of “FIREFLY” and you’ve read this far in this post, you’re really missing out.
And, just so you don’t get the wrong idea, I don’t watch much of “ENTERPRISE”. I’m certainly not impressed with this particular version. It’s just that the concept of the show is good, the production values are certainly worth watching, but the characterizations and the interplay just laid flat. I figured that I had to complain about the lack of good characters and their interplay. (A theme you will most likely see me revisit on a regular basis)
So much for my first blog post.