Iâ€™m sure that this is a story that anyone who has kids (and is Christian) knows. As we drunkenly stumble towards December 25th and our kids all of a sudden begin to worry if they have been naughty or nice so they can collect on oodles of crap that Madison Ave. and the Jonses living next door have convinced them that they totally HAVE to have, our kids want to know when Santa will arrive, and we, as the dutiful parents that we pretend to be to keep the DCYF wolves from our doors, will feel that manic belief by, well, actually tracking that red-suited Fat Bastard.
How, do we track Santa â€” you may ask (although as stated above, I suspect that many of you already know) â€” by contacting NORAD. Yes, thatâ€™s right the North American Aerospace Defense Command. the folks that keep us safe from those godless Ruskies from swarming over our northern border and overrunning our great nation (and those beer-swilling, strip club-attending, hockey-playing Cnuckleheads who live to our north). Apparently, for the past 50+ years part of what NORAD has been tasked with has been to track Santa at Christmas time.
Ever wonder how this started? well, wonder no longer:
Noradâ€™s involvement in tracking Santa came after Sears mistakenly used the telephone number of the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) â€“ since 1958 known as NORAD â€“ in an advertisement as the â€œhotlineâ€ children could phone to speak to Santa. When the first call came in, CONAD decided not to scramble jets and shoot him down but rather told the young caller Santaâ€™s exact position and ever since NORAD has been tracking the man in redâ€™s progress from the North Pole around the world.
So hereâ€˜s my thing. Iâ€™m certain that whatever part of our national defense budget that is spent on this thing is less than a box full of those $500.00 hammers that the DoD likes to buy (or about my monthly bar bill), but just why in the name of Thomas Jefferson does my hard-working Jewish wife’s taxes go to pay for the military to set up a website and whatever else they are doing to track a mythical character that my kids donâ€™t even believe in?