A college age girl gets the “perfect man”, and then realizes how unperfect he can be:

When I got his vital stats, I was even more excited. He was 6�6� tall, weighed something in the ballpark of 230 pounds and generally fit The Description to a T. In other words, BiglikeIlike�em. And, in addition to his rather extraordinary physical attributes, he had an Ivy League degree in a non-bullshit major and had just returned from several years playing professional basketball in Europe in order to focus on applying to medical school. Can we say �jackpot?�

Unfortunately, in my experience, when something seems too good to be true, it pretty much always is. On our first date, Jackpot didn�t tip. At all. From there, the disappointments just kept coming. Not long after, I was appalled to learn that Jackpot had made it into his late 20s without ever going down on a woman. That�s right; this grown-ass man had never performed oral sex. He even dug his hole a little deeper by pronouncing the act �something you resort to when you can�t please your woman in other ways.�

Now, I hate to use poor Jackpot as the example for today�s lesson, but guys, this is just utterly unacceptable.

The rap videos and porn available to the average young guy do a terrible disservice to all women. No, it’s not the rampant exploitation of women so much. Women in many porn movies get paid much more than guys in porn do, and the guys have to take that little blue pill just to … uh, keep up…

It’s the terrible lack of a certain magazine column. Penthouse magazine used to be required reading at the college I was at, and suspect it was at many campuses across the country in the ’70s. One of the more popular pieces in there was the Forum (”Dear Penthouse: You’re not going to believe this, but… [insert wild and unbelievable sex situation]“) but especially… Xaviera Hollander’s column, “The Happy Hooker”.

The Happy Hooker is still available online, but nobody is going to purposefully go there to learn about the proper way to make a woman happy. Xaviera Hollander’s column, however, was right there, right before the pages of Miss September, and it was kind of hard to miss. Yes, believe it or not, it was actually one of the articles that was read. It was also the type of article that guys didn’t talk about with other guys.

That sort of “Dear Abby for the sexually clueless” was absolutely essential for guys that had the means to have sex, but didn’t have any, uh, instructor. Xaviera was your secret female friend. The one who told you what to do and when. It would help you avoid such secret complaints like our editorial writer above… who goes on to say:

I�m not saying he was bad in bed. Bad would have been if his dick were small. However, his possession of an exceptionally large penis actually made his ineptness all the more perplexing. We had all the right tools, but sex with him was like trying to assemble an Ikea bookcase using instructions written upside-down in Aramaic.

Apparently, the experience has taught our young college woman a lesson: perfect abs do not a great stud make.

Wasn’t there an episode of “L.A. Law” about “The Venus Butterfly”?

You know, this whole thing sounds like the plot of an interesting book…