Cuppacafe

Hey, this time I didn’t say that so much as I’m quoting another reviewer who said that. Yep, that’s right, Meyer is the subject of a quickie comicbook biography from Blue Waters Comics. Meyer’s bio appears as part of an ongoing series of celebrity female bios Female Force. Other featured women include Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Michelle Obama, and Caroline Kennedy.

Well, according to the reviewer over at Comic Alliance, the Meyer bio is, well, nothing short of atrocious. Why, you may ask, well, according to the reviewer:

When you're doing a biography of Stephenie Meyer, you're going to run into a problem right off the bat, namely the fact that Stephanie Meyer is really f--king boring.

Yeah, this is apparently so true.

Really, we're not even trying to dis Meyer here, but the fact of the matter is that she just hasn't done a whole lot. She never sailed down the Mississippi like Mark Twain, she never married a complete lunatic like F. Scott Fitzgerald did, heck, she never even did a ton of coke and got run over by a van like Stephen King. We can sum up her entire life in twenty words. Watch:

"Stephenie Meyer grew up in the Southwest, got married, had kids, wrote some books about vampires and got rich. Batman."

We threw "Batman" in there to make it more exciting.

The review goes on, but, well, you can read it for yourself.

Me? I’m going to read anything else and hope that in her next film she doesn’t deconstruct Zombies as well.

The Perfessor

The problem is, I have seen the film and well it is easily one of the worse films I have ever seen, and no, it is not because I’m a guy and this is a “chick flick” (I saw Julie and Julia and thought it was great). This film blows chunks because it is badly written, badly acted, lays down bad role models for teen girls, and well, completely screws with the historical legends of both werewolves and vampires, but I’ll get to all of that in a minute.

First up, the good news, a Judge dismissed the lawsuit against Stephenie Meyer (New Moon’s author, but you all knew that part). According to a report by TMZ. the lawsuit against Stephenie Meyer was officially dismissed by judge.

A judge told vampire book author, Jordan Scott, her allegations about Meyer taking her ideas from her book were deceptive and “completely unfounded.”

The Twilight author was accused on August of having stolen the idea for the last book Breaking Dawn from Scott’s The Nocturne, which was allegedly published in 2006.

We’ve already discussed the film’s opening weekend earnings, and that it did great guns and all, still, I believe that just helps me make my case. You see, first let’s talk about the story itself.

My nearly 15-year-old daughter (her 15th birthday is at the end of this month) who hasn’t read the books, and didn’t see the first film, but saw this film twice — both times with friends, told me that she agreed with me about the bad message of the film. According to her, she believes that it will teach girls to look for that perfect boy (Edward) and no one in real life could possibly measure up to his level of “perfection” and “dedication”. Hence they will spend their whole lives looking for someone they cannot possibly find.

I agree, except I go further, and say that it teaches a worse lesson. Consider this, both Edward and Jacob “love” Bella, but can’t be with her because she might “accidentally” get them “worked up” and they would then “accidentally” hurt her. Needless to say, when this does happen Bella not only apologies to them both, but informs them that it is OK, and she “deserved it.”

WTF??

This is the really lesson we want to be teaching our young daughters? The film He’s Just Not that into You starts off with Drew Barrymore’s character stating that little boys and girls get along fine, then as they start to develop a boy will decide that he likes a girl and will hit her. Surprised the girl will go to her mom who will explain that boys do that because they like the girl, but don't know how to deal with their emotions. Needless to say, this incident forever retards the emotional growth of girls and they grow into adulthood thinking that whenever a guy hurts her it is because he likes her.

Funny theory, but as Col. Sherman Potter would say “Road apples!”

That’s really not the life lesson that I’ve personally taught my daughter. I taught her that if you act stupid to attract boys, you will attract stupid boys, and if a boy hits you it is his fault, not yours. And you call the cops the first time it happens. That’s just for starters. Sorry kids, but I don’t care how hard the bodies of the male vampires are in this film or how dreamy their eyes are, they are screamingly effeminately gay, while the werewolves all come off as rough boy butch gay.

The liberties that Meyer’s has taken with their respective legends (vampires walking in daylight, flying over open water; werewolves that change on command, and not under a full moon), I could go on, but it makes me ill just to think about it. Between the liberties taken with the legends of these mythical creatures and the horrendously bad message targeted at teenage girls this would make the film bad enough, but seriously, is Bella the only one who doesn’t realize that this tribe of Native Americans are werewolves? I knew that the last film. (Hey, she’s already dating a vampire, why is the existence of werewolves such a far stretch?)

And then there is such a misty, gooey-eyed approach to the acting that that it makes you want to gag (if Bella bit her nails or brushed her hair back over her ear one more time I was going to toss my popcorn at the screen as well as my cookies). Seriously, even the goofy afternoon made-for-TV Disney and Nickelodeon specials my daughter watches have better (more believable) acting than this crap. I have to say that the only other place I’ve seen writing this bad has been for the past year-and-a-half on all the post Brand-New-Day Amazing Spider-Man comics (and hey, I love Spidey!)

I honestly don’t understand the appeal of this drivel, Sure, sure, I see that vampires and werewolves are sexy, and I don’t mind having fun with both groups, but really, this stuff is just crap, but hey, if you want, head down to Burger King and snap up a large New Moon drink cup. I already got mine.

The Perfessor

True, some are simply more vulnerable than others, and well, Twilight’s New Moon, is just one of those that is easily parodied. Think not? Well, you just not trying as hard as the Marvel/DC parodists:

Have a look.

The bit with Spidey at the end is something of an on-going gag for these guys, so if you don’t track it, that’s OK. Still, it is pretty funny.

The Perfessor

According to E! Online While the opening for Twilight: New Moon was big (bigger than some expected), but it still wasn’t Spider-Man or Batman big:

It was big. It was bigger than expected. It was record-setting. But more on the new Sandra Bullock movie later. New Moon will close out its remarkable debut weekend with an estimated $140.7 million, its studio reported today. The towering take makes the Twilight sequel the third-biggest opener in Hollywood history. Or, to put it another way: Yes, The Dark Knight's opening-weekend mark is safe. And, yes, Spider-Man 3's second-place slot is secure. But, still, other records did fall to New Moon. Stay tuned for more factoids, and a look at Bullock's The Blind Side, which showed bite of its own with a $34.5

According to E!:

But, get over your spandex-supporting selves because New Moon sucked up its own share of records:

• Biggest November opening ever, flying past Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’s $102.7 million;
• Biggest opening two-day gross ever ($115.9 million Friday-Saturday), edging The Dark Knight’s $114.8 million start;
• And all the previously reported rest: Biggest opening day ever ($67.2 million); biggest single day ever (ditto); biggest midnight showing ever ($26.3 million).

About the only thing New Moon didn't do was, yes, claim the opening-weekend crown.

Too bad on that last one, eh? Guess there are more funnybook geeks than teenage girls.

The Perfessor

OK, we know that Twilight is all the rage with the young chippies, and that (in spite of its popularity) there are some hard-core vampyre and Werewülf fans that feel that it was, well, just a bit silly. well, if you watched SNL last weekend, you would have seen what just could have been a better film had it been made instead.

I don’t know about you folk, but I honestly think that this would have made a better film, but that’s me.

The Perfessor

(This one is for Walt)

We’ve seen it all, vampires in forbidden love affairs (with mortals), vampires getting married (to each other, and mortals), vampires on honeymoons (doin’s it “mortal style” as it were), vampires having babies (biting mom on the way out?).

And now you can read you can all read it all in the fourth installment of Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling "Twilight" series, Breaking Dawn, which has spawned hordes of fans and a movie franchise. However, according to a little-known author named Jordan Scott, you may have read it all before. Scott, who is a California college student, claims that Meyer’s vampire romance scenes were actually lifted from her 2006 novel, The Nocturne.

Scott's lawyer, J. Craig Williams, a partner at Sedgwick, Moran, Detert & Arnold, sent a cease-and-desist letter to Meyer's publisher, the Hachette Book Group, this week claiming Meyer plagiarized parts of Scott's book.

Read the rest over here.

The Perfessor

Like the people who pooh-pooh'd Harry Potter, Twilight outsiders are just getting their dander up over the fawning nature of the Tweenagers, and Kevin Smith had a moment to address this during this last week's Comic-Con in San Diego.

It's Kevin Smith, so expect a fair number of conversational expletives. Otherwise, he's pretty much right on the money. If you don't want to spend the 2 1/2 minutes listening, he's telling the mostly male audience that these girls will grow eventually grow up, and when they do, they'll be cool with all sorts of things, (nudge nudge!) ... only he says it in his own Kevin Smith sort of way.

YouTube link

This past Saturday I did something that I enjoy, that I haven't done in a little while (No, Walt, get your mind out of the gutter, eh?). I went to the movies. To be sure, I went to three movies. First I took my wife and daughter to see the WWII drama The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (based on the eponymous book, which my daughter is still reading); then later I took my (17-year-old) Son to see Twilight and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Yep, I’m up for Dad of the Year!

First up, Dawson’s Creek meets Dracula goes Hollywood...I mean, Twilight. Now, you’ll have to forgive me here, but I am so not the target audience for this film (neither is my son, but on some level, a film is a film, so we went).

Based on the eponymous book, I’m sure it is true to the prose, but I couldn’t warm up to it at all. To be sure, I like my vampires more Blade Style, watching a bunch of breathy, emo teens, agonizing over and confessing to eternal love, it is really more than I’m prepared to deal with, truly. Further, while I understand that many other writers have screwed around with Vampire legend, what is done in this film is really too much. Vampires that can walk in daylight? Sparkle in the sun? Sorry, I’d rather go back to Lestat, and watch pretty-boy Cruise bite a pre-teen Kirsten Dunst on the neck.

Yeah, sure it was a PG-13 film targeted for weepy tweens, but, seriously, I couldn’t take it. the sex was all anticipation and no delivery, and the violence didn't rise to the level of a ’60s-era Looney Tunes. Go if you must, but this film really sucks.

Next up, I want to talk about The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Also based on the eponymous book this far more serious tome is set during World War II, and deals with the War, and the Work Camp overseen by the eight-year-old son of an Iron-Willed SS Officer. As the events of the film are seen through the innocent eyes of Bruno, the early parts of the film take on a surreal innocent quality. Things change in Brono’s life when he and his family move from Berlin to just a couple of miles outside the camp. Against his parents instructions, the boy finds his way to the camp and strikes up a forbidden friendship with a Jewish boy on the other side of the camp fence which results in has startling and unexpected consequences.

Seriously — without giving anything away — the film turns horrific and (again while nothing was actually shown on-screen — this was the first film I ever watched where I desperately wanted to walk out of the theater before the credits rolled so I wouldn't have to witness the train wreck that I knew was inevitable. Go, watch the film, but be aware that the ending will haunt you.

Finally we have Kevin Smith new flick that stars Seth Rogen in his usual role of a foul-mouth lovable loser. This time out our buddy Seth (Zack) is lifelong (platonic) friends with his oldest friend, Miri (Elizabeth Banks) who are both dead broke, and who are not only months behind on all of their bills, but they have just had their power turned off. In an effort to solve their respective cash-flow problems they hit on the idea of making an adult film together.

Needless to say, as soon as the cameras start to roll, they begin to sense that they may have more feelings for each other than they previously thought. Still, that is just the sidebar issue, what takes center stage is how these two pals manage to recruit a few friends and strangers to stage what can only be described as the worst low-budget porno flick ever shot to video.

Still, what we get to see on the screen is friggin hilarious and will keep you laughing all the way through this thoroughly enjoyable film. On a personal note, I have to say that while I’m certain that Smith didn’t see, or couldn’t have predicted the economic meltdown of our economy, watching this film can only help to take your minds off your own financial worries.

The Perfessor